Mildly Malevolent Mucous Monster (Full length short): By Devin J. Meaney

Mildly Malevolent Mucous Monster

By: Devin J. Meaney

I was sitting on my slime rock in my cave trying to think up a good mildly evil deed to commit. Would I stick a whoopee cushion on someone's chair? Would I put plastic wrap around the bowl of someone's toilet? I didn't have a clue! I kept on thinking—but after a while I gave up and went back to reading my copy of Modern Day Sub-Villains: A 101 Guide for the Somewhat Bad Guys of Today.

Just as I was about to crash for the night my friend Blood-Wraith the Terrible came to visit. He called into the moderate darkness of my cave.

"Hey Muco. You home?"

I got up from my slime rock to answer him.

"Yeah, I'm here. Come on in!"

As a vampire from Transylvania I was surprised to see him out before the sun went down. I figured at this time of day he would still be hanging upside down from the rafters of the old abandoned monastery.

When he walked in, I noticed he was wearing his cloak. I guess this made sense, as even though the sun was almost down it would be awful if he got even a speck of sunlight on his woefully decayed skin.

I questioned him.

"What's up?"

He emitted an evil cackle while removing his hood.

"Not much. Just didn't feel like hangin' around the monastery. What are you doin'?"

I sighed.

"Just trying to think up something mildly evil to do. I can't seem to form any decent ideas…"

Blood-Wraith pondered for a moment, and then, by the look on his face—I could tell that he had an idea. He smiled.

"Did you ever think about terrorizing an orphanage?"

I chuckled.

"Blood-Wraith—I'm a MILDLY malevolent mucous monster. That's a bit out of my playing field."

Blood-Wraith was thinking again, and I could see the wheels turning behind his evil red eyes.

"What about illegally downloading a Kenny G album and placing it onto someone's hard drive?"

I chuckled again.

"That's closer, but that's still too evil for me."

Blood-Wraith rolled his eyes, but after a moment he had another idea.

"When was the last time you egged someone's house?"

…and just like that, my plans for the night were made! I didn't want to waste a perfectly good rotten egg so I grabbed a few fresh ones out of the fridge. I was waiting for them to go bad, but tonight—it would be ME that "went bad" and the town of North Sydney would feel my wrath!

While I was getting ready for my descent into moderate darkness, Blood-Wraith left to do whatever Blood-Wraith does when he's off on his own. It took me a while to prepare, but eventually I was ready—and I set off into the night to commit mildly atrocious acts against mankind.

*

Half an hour had passed and right now I was standing outside of someone's house. I did bring the eggs—but I also brought a few rolls of toilet paper and some washable spray-on chalk. I thought about bringing spray paint—but as I'm not a maliciously evil mucous monster I figured the chalk would do just fine.

I held my breath, then I giggled and hurled an egg directly at the window in front of me with all the force of a bull rushing a china shop. The egg splattered against the window with a deafening splat. Then I proceeded to TP the tree in the front yard, and when I was done, I wrote the words "DARKNESS WUZ HERE" on the front door with the spray on chalk.

Just before I ran off into the darkness, a light came on and someone opened the front door.

"Hey. What the heck do you think you're doin'?"

They had caught me, and I could tell that I looked like a deer caught in headlights.

The man that opened the door looked at the splattered egg on his window—then he looked at the TP in his tree and the spray on chalk on his front door. Then he looked at me and grinned.

"Hey. I know you. You're Muco! Aren't you supposed to be a bad guy? Don't you think this is a bit juvenile?"

I put my head down.

"What do you think I should have done?"

The man grinned again.

"Did you ever think about terrorizing an orphanage?"

I sighed.

"I'm a MILDLY malevolent mucous monster…"

The man looked away for a second and then back at me.

"Did you ever think about illegally downloading a Kenny G…"

I didn't even let him finish. I walked away from that house with my head down, questioning my mildly evil deeds and if they were good enough to even classify me as a somewhat bad guy. I went back to my cave, then I went to my slime rock and had a terrible sleep thinking about how I just might be a letdown to bad guys everywhere—even the mildly evil ones.

*

The very next day Blood-Wraith the Terrible showed up again. He looked as pleased as punch and I could tell that he had a good night. He smiled a beaming fang-toothed grin.

"How did your night go?"

My eyes went to the floor of my cave in shame.

"I don't want to talk about it. How about you?"

Blood-Wraith looked triumphant.

"I terrorized an orphanage—I played an old Kenny G album on repeat and then I stole the mattress tags from every mattress in the complex!"

I cried—and I fathomed—I just may not be as mildly evil as I thought I was—and that there are things in this world that are much much worse than mild old Muco the mildly malevolent mucous monster.

Blood-Wraith looked quizzical and mildly empathetic.

"Did you pay your taxes?"

I realized that I didn't—and it came as a mild blast of darkness. I realized that I may just be a wee bit more than just mildly malevolent after all.